Quiet, lonely, forgotten blog.
Well, that’s about to change.
I feel like the last 15 months have been a whirlwind. Want an update? Well, let’s see. I got pregnant, Emmy turned 1, she began to walk, we bought a house, I turned a year older, we found out we were having a boy, Emmy began to talk, I got PSD with pregnancy which caused pain whenever I moved, I carried until 42 weeks, Isaac was born, my sister got engaged, I had the most intense 3 month transition ever, my sister got married, I started a garden, I started painting and drawing again and Emmy turned 2. So, not much has been going on…
My life is filled with ups and downs. I remember seeing this parenting video once upon a time about how parents average state of happiness is different than before they had kids. They described this by showing a chart showing highs and lows for people who don’t have kids. The average state of happiness is pretty even – not too many dips. Sometimes lower, sometimes higher. But the chart for the parents had intense highs and lows, showing that you have frequent moments of transcendent happiness (your sweet 2 year old tells you she loves you for the first time) and moments of great depression (when you have gotten less than 2 hours of sleep in four days and have to get up at 6:30 with both kids and be “on”). So the average, consistent state of happiness is gone but you trade that in for the transcending happiness you feel. Well, that has been the perfect way of describing my last few months. I take lots of pictures and videos when my moments of transcendent happiness show through.
I’ve traded the word “bad” for “hard.” I learned this with my last labor with Isaac. Hard days aren’t bad. Hard days are hard. And they teach you to grow. I’ve been pretty convinced over the last few months that Thomas the Tank Engine would take over my home, that I would never own a pair of sunglasses again (I’m on my FOURTH pair), the way I die will definitely be death by laundry, my kitchen will always be covered by something sticky, I am an expert on how to communicate with the incoherent, the chances of me getting more than a couple of hours of sleep at a time are about as likely as Ron Paul winning the California straw poll (oh wait, that ACTUALLY happened), and that everything I own might just smell like pee for the rest of my childbearing years. Ah, well. I trade it in for chubby hands, sweet kisses, hearing my daughter sing “Mister Golden Sun” unprompted, kissing owies, my little 5 month old reaching out for me and lighting up when he sees me, and watching my daughter mother my 5 month old.
The hard things won’t last forever which means neither will the joys. The first two weeks with Isaac were probably the hardest two weeks I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. I was in love with the new little life I had brought into the world but all the realities were there. I had a 19 month old who had just started talking well and developmentally was out of whack and threw many tantrums, I had just given birth, breastfeeding a baby who needed to eat every 10-15 minutes and would not let me EVER put him down. But when I look back at those things (almost 6 months ago now) the pictures I took show all the happiness that I experienced during those times. One of my friends has a quote up that says, “never compare your worst, to someone’s best.” I repeat that to myself often. It’s very wise to remember that.
And though things can be hard, I find myself blessed not because of the moments of transcendent happiness but because of the difficulties. I’m learning how to retrain my mind and expectations. This is what has been blessing me. I’m not so focused on method anymore. Just what works. I don’t need to fit into any framework, just be me, and enjoy these fleeting moments with my kids.
Until next time… (which will probably be soon). Here’s some pics of us from the last couple of weeks…